26

Here we are; up too late to get up too early. No one is really an insomniac, but why can’t we sleep? I’m not even thinking of anything aside from why I’ve got nothing to think on. The kids who’ve got it down are the ones I envy. The ones with a sense of pride in their purpose.

The problem with me is that I’ve thought so much, for so long that thinking has become redundant. I could come up with a million ideas, and none of them would be new, or grandiose; and not a one would change the fucking certainty of death. We’re the kids who depress ourselves with the feeling that living has lost its luster. When I stopped believing—or caring to believe—in God, that was a death in its own right. When we get old enough to realize that it’s all a pile of shit, we give up hope that life has any real incentive, besides of course, the little rewards we choose to value in life itself. So, over the course of time everything loses it’s silver lining because it’s so easy to figure out that all of it—the love, the lies, the hopes, the dreams—they really mean nothing in the end. For some, this realization is suicide. For us? For us, it’s escape.

Jesus was a man who had an edge. His fate, he knew. And thus, he had the freedom to truly live. Because the story of Jesus exists, we can all be messiahs. We can be the ones to save ourselves. And if I can save just me, and if you can save just you, then we can save the world. But only if we do it together. Scoff if it’s your natural reaction. I will understand. I will not exile you. I will not forsake you. But I will trample over your lifeless corpse when the time comes, and I will not feel guilt for leaving it behind. We are not gracious, or sinless. There is much to be learned about falling apart; it’s not an exact science. But what we have figured out is that it’s better than believing in the overdramatic, quasi-tragedies of our useless generation. Once you let go and realize that truth is what you make it, then you can really begin to appreciate anything that matters in life; whatever that matter may be.